I feel so lost and helpless now.

I don't know what's the RIGHT thing to do.

I'm tired of everyone's negative opinion which influences me, and I'm tired of everyone telling me what to do.

I almost don't even want to mention the situation, but I need to, to try and get the right advice of what to do.

Yesterday, as few know, I decided to skip advisory period and stay with my favorite teacher, Mrs. Rhodes (ASL teacher), for her advisory class instead with the deaf/hh kids.  Mrs. Rhodes offered and invited me to stay if I wanted to- I chose to, even though I knew I should be in Roberta's class for advisory with other deafies.

First, lemme explain what advisory are for.  Advisories are designed primarily for freshmen, to work throughout their high school career for important stuff such as senior portfolio and college applications, essays, etc etc..  Bluntly put- total waste of 30 minutes for seniors- and the seniors aren't exactly happy about that.  During the advisory periods, no attendance or grade are given.

I was glad that I decided to stay with Mrs. Rhodes, for her class wrote letters to the soldiers in Iraq, and I really enjoyed myself in her class (I had her right after advisory, anyways).

Later during the day, I walked downstairs to the gym to dress for weightlifiting, and passed Mathis, my IEP teacher (also deaf/hh teacher at MTHS- I sorta like her and have an easygoing relationship with her).  She asked me why I didn't show up today, and told me she thought I skipped it on purpose- I informed her that Mrs. Rhodes had invited me to stay for her advisory class instead with Roberta.  Mathis in turn, informed me that I might get detention for skipping, and will call Mrs. Rhodes.  I wasn't worried about detention, for it was one of the consquences I expected.  But what concerned me that she was going to call Mrs. Rhodes.

I was right.  Apparently, Mathis had blew her top off with Rhodes.  In the end, I never got any detention (I don't plan to skip advisory period from now and on- it's actually the first class I've ever skipped, I think.. lol A senioritis moment, eh? ).  But what upset me was that Rhodes was innocent- why blame her when I made the choice? Rhodes was upset by that and told me that she felt like Mathis was too much of a controlling teacher, and that she can't really keep her eye on me at ALL times.  She told me she'll talk to Shearer, our principal.  For those who doesn't understand the significance of this situation- it's a long, long story- full of conflicts and drama in the deaf/hh program which I've been trying forever to stop and work out, but has given up and backed out.

Now, I explained to my mom what happened last night.  Naturally, being the mother bear, she blew her top off.  Wanted me to drop my IEP plan of learning ADA laws and financial options.  She then described how she would confront them.  I was very hesitant and resistant of what my mom thought I should do.  Alright, I decided last night- I'll confront her about this and other issues.

Today, as the day went by, I changed my mind because I just knew it would make everything worse.  I realized it's my mom's negative attitude about the deaf/hh program that has toppled me.  I realized that I've always wanted to do things peacefully, and with the least amount of confrontations possible.  I remember earlier that day, I had paged 2 friends of mine and asked him and her to pray for me.  I wanted to confront her as gently as possible.  But with the circumstances, it would only make things worse.  If I request an IEP meeting with principal, special education director- the works- it would only reflect badly on me if my parents dropped my IEP (and of course, with some anger).  Today, I realized, even after yesterday, Mathis and I got along just fine and beautifully.  It's my parents who has a problem with them- not me.  I've already let go of the situation, and are not allowing it to affect me.

I've read verses such as, "Gentle words turn away wrath, and harsh words stir up anger."in Proverbs and I also know that love conquers all.  So, I believe that my parents' advices are against the Bible- which is always truthful and right.  And knowing Roberta, she won't listen.  I need to do this through love and be patient.  I do still have more than a half year to go, and I've been working for a while now trying to establish good terms between Roberta and me.

I acknowledge that the program has improved- but still are like a dictatorship.  There's a little too much control and too little compassion.  But I also know there are laughter often in the deaf/hh room.

I'm tired of people telling me what to do with this situation.  I'm tired of people telling me to yell at Roberta and Mathis.  I'm tired of people telling me that I should just ignore them.  That's not who *emphasize* I  am.  If my mom wants to do it her way, then she do it herself.  I have my own way which works fine for me- and it takes more time and patience.  I've let go and forgiven Roberta.  Now I need to just show it through my behavior- but still be strong.

If you only give me more negative advices such as- demanding my rights up front in her face, and bulldoze my way through- I won't listen.  It would only make things worse- and hurt myself as well.  I've learned my lesson- I won't listen to anyone- and only to God.  He knows.  So far, of what I've read in the Bible the last few days- all of the advices I've heard are contradictory to his Word.  I will do what Jesus will do- with love, and restraint my anger properly- and not use it negatively.