*exhale*
I'm glad it's Friday.
I can't wait until Christmas Break... I need the break. Next week's crammed full and I'm not looking forward to that, for it takes my time with Jesus away.
For several weeks now, I've not really sat down and mediated about Him. I've not been able to have a long and meaningful talk to Him. And I can begin to feel the effects of that now. I'm depriving myself.
I find myself having an intense desire in my heart to be loved and find someone to connect with heart-to-heart. I'm not talking about boys. I'm talking about everyone in general.
But.. I already know nobody here on Earth can do that.
Only God. I already know that.
For some reason, I just won't or don't care much about His offer of Friendship. I get impatient when prayers seem like one-sided converstations.
But then.. I have to remind myself, maybe prayer's not the way for me to do it. Maybe mediative prayer is for me- to imagine myself sitting down with Jesus, talking, and pouring out my heart and gratitude. And to imagine about my loved ones and how worried I am of them, or glad that they're being blessed- and ask God to be with them, wordlessly.
*sighs* I wish I could find some time when I can lie down, and put my mind at peace and be able to open myself up. I'm too distracted easily nowadays.
I'm always sensing Jesus calling to me to talk to Him- He's only an prayer away..
When I do, my prayers aren't really meaningful enough.. I thank Him almost daily for his blessings, such as the beautiful sunrise or clouds I enjoy on Late Arrival mornings as I drive on the Interstate to school, and for my car, and for my family, and for the Christmas spirit. But it's always short.
I'm always constantly putting other things first, instead of Him. I always tell Him to hold on until night time, but by then, I'm tired. And breakfast is not enough time to sit down and read His Word.
I tell myself that next year, at college, during breakfast in the cafeteria, I would sit somewhere else alone, and read the Bible or any other devotional book. But things doesn't and won't always turn out that way. I have to put aside time for Him everyday, or I won't be able to receive his fullest blessings.
Right now, worries are plaguing me- money for college, if DVR will really be ready for me financially in January 2006, finding the one, making right decisions and choices, motivation, majors to pursue in college, and if RIT is possible for me.
Again, I tell myself that I know God will work these things out. But most of the time, I forget about that.
Sometimes, I'm afraid that I've missed or will miss out on a chance. But I have to remember- God's got all of my life planned out- he knows exactly what choices I will make.
I just need to take the time and let Him train me.
I need to be still, and listen to His whispers...